Tuesday, December 30, 2008

te echo de menos

Okay, so not gonna lie, I enjoy the carpeted floors and the indoor heating. I like answering the phone in my own house and raiding the cupboards for random snacks. And it's great to be able to call and text people without worrying about jacking up my already-astronomical phone bill.

But all that doesn't mean I wouldn't fly back tomorrow if I were given the chance.

He's emailed me once. My biggest fear? That he was only waiting until I left the country, to spare my feelings or some crap like that, and now he's going to quietly back out of my life. That he never intended to stay in touch with me; that - although he honestly will miss me, because, naive or not, I believe that he will - he'll realize that it could never have gone anywhere and a long-distance friendship isn't worth the time it takes.

But then there's my optimistic side, the part of me that remembers his face when he said goodbye to me on Christmas Eve; that wonders why he made such an effort to call me every day of my vacation, even waking up at 6:30 Saturday morning to talk to me one last time before I boarded my plane; that can't forget all the times he told me I was different from anyone he'd ever met, that I had been so good for him, that he didn't want me to leave.

So I'm naive. There are worse ways to live.

Love always,

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

almost final thoughts

Before coming to Spain, I'd never had something worry me so much that I lost sleep over it, or that I made myself sick over it. Both have happened here, more than once. Life here is tranquila - I have no job, no homework, my host mom does my dishes and my laundry and all I have to do is enjoy myself. How does that add up to giving me more stress than I've ever experienced in my life?

Well, I'll be home soon. I'll be depressed for a while, but it'll be much safer for me there.

P.S. it is effing COLD here. Spain is not prepared for this weather! Why the hell else would no one have indoor heating?? I riddle you that. No indoor heating, tile floors, everything built out of stone...bah! My toesies are congelados.

Love always,

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

I love Switchfoot

Wish I had what I needed
to be on my own
'cause I feel so defeated
and I'm feeling alone

And it all seems so helpless
and I have no plans
I'm a plane in the sunset
with nowhere to land

And all I see,
it could never make me happy
And all my sandcastles
spend their time collapsing

Let me know that you hear me,
Let me know your touch
Let me know that you love me,
Let that be enough


She turns like the ocean,
she tells no emotion,
she's been gunning down the fight
She's just reminiscing,
blood sweat and one thing's missing
She's been breaking up inside, inside

Singing without tongues
screaming without lungs
I want more than my lonely nation,
I want more than my lonely nation
Desperate, we are young
separate, we are one
I want more than my desperation,
I want more than my lonely nation

Don't leave me hollow,
I'm tired
Don't leave me hollow,
I'm tired of feeling low,
of feeling hollow


Everyone's been scared to death of dying here alone

She is easier than love,
it's easier than life,
it's easier to fake and smile and bribe

it's easier to lie
it's easier to leave,
it's harder to face ourselves at night,
feeling alone,
what have we done?
What is the monster we've become?
Where is my soul?


Rumor has it you love me
Rumor has it the world spins upside down
Rumor has it my only hope is in you
And the rumors are true

I turn everything over,
I turn myself in
I turn everything over,
I turn myself in
There's nothing left to me to defend,
I turn everything over
I turn myself in


This week I'm indebted to those who listened to me when I needed to talk: Mary, Michelle, Michael (alliteration? weird), Katie, Talia - I don't think they'll ever know how much their support means to me. But they're pretty much incredible.

P.S., This is possibly the first year of my life that I haven't made a little red and green paper chain to count down to Christmas. But seriously, guys - it's only 16 days away! I miss Christmas music and Christmas movies. I can't remember what prompted it, but yesterday I had this random longing to watch The Santa Clause. Maybe I'll have a weird little catch-up movie party when I come home.

Love always,

Friday, December 5, 2008

quiero ir, pero a la vez, no.

My parents come two weeks from today, and so ends this grand adventure.

Okay, so...a month and a half ago, I was totally convinced that I could not spend another minute in Cadiz. So I decided to cut my year short and come home for winter quarter. Europe would still be here in a few years, right?

I wish I'd waited to make that decision. The week after - seriously, the very next week - everything started looking up. C'est la vie, I suppose.

Pero es muy difícil. Y sí, voy a escribir el resto de esto en español. No es muy importante; no hace falta para ellos que no pueden entender.

Hay un chico. Un español. Y...al principio, no iba a ser nada muy serio; sólo alguien con quien podía practicar español y pasar tiempo; un chico que me prestaba atención. Pero ahora....no sé; él es muy importante en mi vida. Me gusta mucho pasar tiempo con él; es simpático, gracioso, divertido, y....le gusto. Puedo ser sincera con él - no sé si es que cuando hablo español, soy más honesta, pero cuando hablo con él, digo todo que pienso. Puedo ser quien soy con él. Y él tiene más experiencia y más de un...sentido de lo que quiere que otros chicos que he conocido.

Y ahora....me quedan sólo dos semanas. Dos. Mis padres vienen el 19 de diciembre. Tengo que irme, tengo que regresar a los EE.UU., y no sé si voy a volver a verle más....jamás en mi vida. No puedo pensar en eso. Me hace daño. No sé si tengo un futuro con él, pero....puede ser. Si podía tener la oportunidad, podría ser algo muy bueno. Y ahora...tengo que irme. No quiero pensar en eso!!

Vale. 2 semanas, más la semana que paso con mis padres aquí. Salgo del país el 27 de diciembre, y dejo aquí toda mi vida, todas las cosas que me han encantado por los últimos 4 meses.

No me lo puedo.

Amor para siempre,