Monday, May 25, 2009


I have been listless and vaguely frustrated for months. I'm not excited about anything. The last thing I can remember being truly madly excited about was Spain.

Why the hell did I even go? What good came out of that experience? I can speak Spanish now. That's it. Since then, I have been one giant ball of disappointment to myself. I don't do anything worthwhile. This is not a pity-party; just fact. I do nothing. I feel nothing. Just this heavy boredom, weighing down on me, stealing my motivation and my once-unstoppable drive for success.

School frustrates me - rather, my current approach to school frustrates me. I used to be so ambitious! I used to work so hard. I've got papers in 2 of my 3 classes that are already late; one of them, I don't think it'll actually matter, but the other one, I just...stopped working on the night before it was due. I'll be docked .5 of a grade point for that. And there's no reason for it - there's no reason I couldn't have gotten it done. I know this stuff. Heart of Darkness, imperialism - we covered this senior year. I actually read all the material this time. What is my problem??

Where is God in the midst of this? I feel like such a fraud. Same old problem. Interviewing for student leadership and Camp Side-by-Side in the past couple weeks, I straight-up lied about where I am with God right now. Where I am with God is nowhere. I talk to him when I want something. I don't feel him. I don't feel anything.

I want to wake up kicking and screaming.

Love always,

Friday, May 22, 2009

self-deprecation: because it goes well with my m&ms


I'm 20 years old.


I am undateable.


I need to stop dwelling on this.


Easier said than done.

Love always,

Saturday, May 16, 2009

the passive-agressive friend dump

A question for pondering:

Am I obligated to remain friends with people that I don't want to be friends with?

The flip side to this problem is that I know there are people who probably want to fall gracefully out of contact with me, and I keep texting or Facebooking them and trying to stay in touch, saying things like, "Hey, haven't talked to you in FOREVER, let's hang out!" In my mind (since I'm *awesome*) these comments seem perfectly harmless, not at all annoying, and really, people should respond to me.

But then....I hate Facebook. And email. Internet in general. Talking to my mom, I don't think she's still in touch with anyone from high school - not a single person. Sometimes that freaks me out; I don't ever want to lose touch with my best friends. But lately I envy her. Facebook has robbed me of this ability to gradually just lose contact with someone. I can't lose contact - I see right there on the news feed everything that is going on in your life, and you can very easily write to me and know that I'll get it, since clearly, I haven't changed my last name or forgotten to forward you my new address.

But seeeeriously. There needs to be a polite way to just...break off a friendship. Am I being really mean in this? I honestly don't know - am I required to stay friends with someone until I DIE, even if I get nothing positive out of the relationship? You would never say that about a dating relationship. Why are friendships allowed to go on and on, even when they're just dragging along painfully?

There needs to be a friend equivalent of the "He's Just Not That Into You" book. If I were the writer, here's what I'd say:

"Dear whoever,

In Facebook-stalking this seemingly inattentive friend of yours, have you seen any other recent activity? Yes? Oh, you mean, they've written to other people, added new photos, changed their "About Me," and gained 200 new friends, but haven't replied to your wall posts for a year?

Take a hint. They're not trying to be malicious, but the time has come for you to acknowledge that the flame of your friendship will never be rekindled. Move on and comment on someone else's status."

I'm so going to hell. Right by the unreachably high cupcake table.

Love always,