I have been listless and vaguely frustrated for months. I'm not excited about anything. The last thing I can remember being truly madly excited about was Spain.
Why the hell did I even go? What good came out of that experience? I can speak Spanish now. That's it. Since then, I have been one giant ball of disappointment to myself. I don't do anything worthwhile. This is not a pity-party; just fact. I do nothing. I feel nothing. Just this heavy boredom, weighing down on me, stealing my motivation and my once-unstoppable drive for success.
School frustrates me - rather, my current approach to school frustrates me. I used to be so ambitious! I used to work so hard. I've got papers in 2 of my 3 classes that are already late; one of them, I don't think it'll actually matter, but the other one, I just...stopped working on the night before it was due. I'll be docked .5 of a grade point for that. And there's no reason for it - there's no reason I couldn't have gotten it done. I know this stuff. Heart of Darkness, imperialism - we covered this senior year. I actually read all the material this time. What is my problem??
Where is God in the midst of this? I feel like such a fraud. Same old problem. Interviewing for student leadership and Camp Side-by-Side in the past couple weeks, I straight-up lied about where I am with God right now. Where I am with God is nowhere. I talk to him when I want something. I don't feel him. I don't feel anything.
I want to wake up kicking and screaming.
2 months ago