Friday, November 9, 2012


I'm not sure where this post is going to end up, but it's my only outlet at the moment. I'm having an emotional evening ...

I am very good at blowing things out of proportion, giving them more weight & time & headspace than they deserve, letting them grow until they overwhelm me. That thing right now, sadly, is health. Or rather, a lack thereof and/or the methods by which you achieve it.

See, my roommates & my best friend here in Yakima are all very, very healthy. It's their passion. They get excited talking about nutrition and exercise and wellness and making your whole body strong so it's equipped for anything.

That's all OK. I mean, it's a good thing -- health is a good thing, and being aware of it, etc. I would say that the twins take it a little far, and I would say that Maximized Living always sounds like a cult, especially when they get so jazzed by watching videos of the very charismatic founder of that lifestyle, but whatever. It's their thing; I try not to voice any criticism I have of it. But what is true is that they are able to bring up health and fitness in almost any conversation.

Then there's me. I am not healthy. I mean, I try; I do yoga a few times a week, went climbing today, try to go on walks, and I'm more aware of how healthy food can taste good than I was before I knew these people. But I still eat chocolate croissants for breakfast a few times a week, and I'm still eating our leftover Halloween candy, and I need to lose like 20 pounds.

Yeah, the twins don't eat sugar.

I can't fathom it. Not just that -- the lifestyle. I can't do it. I would feel deprived, and that would make me feel angry (many things do, I guess).

The thing is -- the thing that's got me worked up now, the thing that has been depressing me more and more over the past several weeks -- that they're building up this community workout thing they do. It started out just Drew and Remy, because Remy wanted to get in shape, and who better to teach him than Crossfit instructor 0 percent body fat Drew? Right. So they started doing really hard Crossfit workouts. Then Drew's brother got home, then Courtney joined, then Sienna, and now they've got like eight other people from our church or friends or their coworkers who are in on it. Monday Wednesday Friday, this huge crew of people takes off from our house -- after clogging up the narrow street with all their cars -- and goes to the park to do crazy things. Tonight, the workout was something like ... do 50 pistol squats (one-legged squats where you go all the way down til you're sitting on your heel, I think) then sprint 400 meters (one loop around the track), then do 100 prison-yard pushups (at the top of each pushup, you high-five the person doing pushups across from you) then fireman carry the person for 200 meters ... and I stopped reading the workout after that. Plus, they had to run from here up to Ike, the high school, before they even started that. We live on 24th and Ike's on 40th, plus over four blocks, and uphill at least half of it.

Sounds so fun, right?

I have been wrestling since they started this with wanting to do it, but being so irrationally afraid of it that I have refused to join. They invite me; they're very encouraging; they would love to see me out there, yada yada, everyone thinks they can't do it at first but they get stronger, yada yada ... but I can't. I want to so badly, but I'm too scared. Of what? Of all of it. Of not being able to do it. Of a whole group of people seeing me unable to do it. My roommates know I'm out of shape because I tell them, and because they know how I eat, but they haven't SEEN me be out of shape. I don't want any of them to.

And Crossfit, it's supposed to be a team atmosphere but also competitive. And you do all this in front of everyone, and if it takes you five times as long to finish, then they're all just gonna be standing around waiting as you drag your fat ass around the track at a snail's pace.

I cannot do that. I cannot do it in front of Drew, who literally has an 8-pack (I counted) and gets a stomachache if he eats a cookie. I cannot do it in front of Courtney, who LITERALLY looks like her legs are carved out of stone. If her legs ever saw my legs, they would grow mouths and digestive systems just so they could throw up.

They try to encourage me; there are people in this group who are probably much less in shape than I am, and they finish at their own pace; Drew says he's seen me climbing, he knows I could do it, plus there's a scaled-down option for everything ... but I cannot bring myself to do it.

I hate myself for it. I really do. I love these people so much, and they really are so kind about it, and they know I want to do it, so that's why they keep asking and pestering, but tonight I just cracked. I got back from climbing (which was a good workout, too, plus the steep hike up to the crag during which my friend Sam made me carry his giant pack to appreciate how heavy it was) at about 5:30, and thought they'd be gone because they start at 5, so I was emotionally unprepared for the 12 people crowded in my kitchen standing around in exercise gear listening to what they were going to do for the workout. They said I should come with; my friend that I'd climbed with jumped right in and took off with them. Courtney said she would be my partner, it would be just her and me, no one else would have to see, it would be dark, this would be a good day to do it ... I felt myself leaning, almost saying yes, wanting to so badly ... but then they said they were going all the way up to Ike, and I snatched myself back. I couldn't even do the warmup. Court said I could drive, but I was already pulling back, shaking my head, receding farther into this prison I've made for myself. They left the house and I sat down sobbing.

I don't want this! I want to be free of this. But all I can picture is going to this workout, failing, hating myself, and becoming a negative presence that drags down all these awesome people who are trying their hardest and don't need me pouting on the sidelines to add to the stress. I would be toxic; I know I would. I've done it before.

And it just builds and builds and there's no end in sight. Tonight I was chilled by the thought that ... it's only going to get worse. We have eight more months of living here, and they have no intention of quitting. That's eight months of 3x a week getting home to all these exhilarated healthy people telling me how great the workout was and how I should totally do it next time. Over and over and over again. And the group is getting bigger and bigger; they've had one lady who was almost 300 pounds do it, and the very obese friend of one of the guys might try it, and I will just keep hating myself more and more because I'm not brave enough to do it. Eight more months! I won't make it -- it makes me want to move out. Which is absurd and horrible and makes me cry harder, but I honestly ... every time they tell me I could totally do it, and that they want me out there, I just hurt myself more. Stupid stupid stupid, fat fat fat, coward coward coward, failure failure failure. I want to be fit, I want muscles that let me run and climb and do pull-ups; I want to take care of my body so it lasts and does all the things I need it to now and in the future ... but I am so terribly afraid.

It's exhausting and I feel enslaved by it, but I don't know how to get over it. And the longer it goes, the more power it has over me. The more power I give it.

Oh Lord, help me.

Love always,

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

my manifesto: moving forward

Yakima is not my destination.

I’m going to repeat this to myself for the next two years, as I remain committed to my plan to pick up and move to South America by winter of 2014. That will be three-and-a-half years after coming to Yakima, my absolute latest deadline. With luck, I’ll be gone months before that.

This is nothing against Yakima. I’m thankful for the opportunities I’ve gotten here. Although this started as a yearlong internship, within four months, it became a full-time, no-cutoff-point grown-up job. I had a permanent (as permanent as I wanted) job in my field within 10 months of graduating college, and I had already been employed in my field during those 10 months.

That is extraordinary in this economy and in the current climate among newspapers. Everywhere, people are saying that newspapers are dying, that jobs are vanishing; seasoned reporters are looking for work just as much as fresh-faced recent grads. So I am very, very fortunate to have gotten a job here so quickly.

And it’s been a good job. I’ve been able to settle into a beat; learned that I’m good at building sources; picked up a lot of useful information about health care, education, politics, etc. It pays well – well enough for a single girl with a car payment, at least – and has allowed me to live comfortably, even extravagantly.

And I’ve loved Yakima. This place felt more like home faster than anywhere else I’ve lived since I left my parents’ house for college – more so than Seattle, or Cadiz, or Port Townsend, or Santiago, or Olympia. And I loved all those places, too, and made great friendships there and had great adventures. I have made a life no matter where I live. Plus, I get to go climbing every week and spend time in the beautiful outdoors all around me. That’s nothing to scoff at.

So yes – I have nothing against Yakima or what it’s meant for me. And in 10 or 15 years, I might be able to see myself settling down here and raising a family (if such things are in the cards).

But this is not the best I can do. This is a stepping stone; a necessary one, to be sure, and one I am grateful for and that I do not deride. But it’s a starter job, a first-job-out-of-college, a temporary stop as I work my way into the places I want to be.

I want to be in South America. After that I want to be in the Middle East, then maybe China or Southeast Asia. I want to go everywhere, learn everything. I want to cover a war, getting the truth out to the world when everyone around me is determined to silence the media. I want to cover global politics, high finance, revolutions, growing economies. I want to write about things that matter, and I want to see the world change with my own eyes. I want my work to be a part of and an engine for that change.

I do not want to become so comfortable in Yakima that I’m not brave enough to take that leap. This is a stepping stone; I want to be able to jump into the rushing river and see where it takes me. I don’t want to pause indefinitely in the safety of that midway point, afraid of what will happen if I fail.

I could fail. That is a terrifying reality. I haven’t failed yet, so maybe I’m more optimistic than I should be; too naïve for my own good. Or maybe that idealism will help shield me from the kind of fear that could stop me from reaching my goals. But truly, I could fail. I could move somewhere and not find a job, or I could find a job and then get caught in layoffs, or I could find a job and then end up so beyond my depth that they fire me for incompetence. (Shudder. Not if I can help it.)

But I want to try. I want to push myself. That fear of failure is a motivator unlike any other. And I want to pursue the life I have always envisioned for myself.

If that means taking business courses and reading the Wall Street Journal every day so I can work for Reuters, bring it on. If it means taking language classes so I can speak Arabic and move to Afghanistan, I’m up for the challenge.

This is why I’m getting the tattoo. The first one, Courage, dear heart, was in response to those previous moves I’ve made. Every one of them was terrifying; every one of them started with me doubting my ability to succeed. But, just as in Dawn Treader, I realized “that there was nothing to be afraid of, and there never had been.” It would be prudent now to remember that my success, far from coming from my own steam, is really because God has been with me every step of the way. (Astonishing how easily I neglect that, isn’t it?) I have never gone on alone; even if I had failed, he would have been there.

And now, in response to the comfortable stagnation I already feel setting in, I’m going to get my new tattoo: “Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.” I will not let my life be nothing. I will not end up decades from now regretting that I didn’t dare to step out and take a chance.

So, Yakima: I’m counting down. Let’s see.  The bosses wanted a three-year commitment; I’ve been here 15 months and I have 21 left. Starting at the beginning of 2014, I will start actively looking for and applying for jobs overseas, and even if I find nothing, I will leave here by the end of that year. I will not let myself stay here.

Not for anything. Not for anyone. Not for fear of failure or money or the job market or anything. Not for a guy. Never for a guy. Not even a hypothetically perfect one with dark hair and crazy blue eyes who’s a climber and loves kids and makes my heart melt with just a smile. Never! This is my life, my dream, and I’m going after it.

No excuses. 

Love always,

Friday, August 31, 2012

struggle bus

Of course it couldn't be perfect forever. Such is life.

No, the house is still great. It's me that's imperfect. And we're all imperfect, yada yada, but this feels like me ruining something that could be and has been so special.

I have struggled for as long as I can remember with some pretty weighty insecurities. In everything. In work, in friendships, in relationships (few and far far between), in random things that should be fun like salsa dancing or playing Ultimate Frisbee ... everything.

I don't know where it comes from. I have never been unloved; I have doting parents who always encourage me, friends who do the same, even my bosses are extremely vocal in their positive affirmation.

And yet I doubt.

With work, I thought I had conquered it, almost out of spite last year. When I was in Olympia, my boss/coworker was such a d-bag that I found myself thinking, "No, you know what? I AM good at this, so SUCK IT." But now I'm back to doubting.

I don't understand it! Before this job, when I would complain to my parents about not being a good journalist, and they would try to comfort me, I would largely dismiss them, saying "Well, you're not journalists; you don't know what makes one good."

But now, my bosses say wonderful things to me, praise me so often for my work, and I'm still discounting it. I say, "Well, they just like me, so they're nice to me." I'm convinced that sooner or later, they'll figure me out, understand that I'm not the "golden girl" they've set me up to be, and they'll finally be disappointed.

I almost can't help feeling apprehensive when the praise seems too good to be true. I talked to my editor recently about how I just don't feel like I'm living up to my potential, and I haven't earned the credit they give me, and I want to do something extraordinary, and she said, "We don't want you to feel like that; after all, you're a bright shining star here." I wish I could just graciously accept that and be happy! But instead it fills me with dread: "Someday, you'll know I'm a fraud."

And with the house ... I'm just not happy. I'm so stressed out about relying too much on my roommates, turning into like a needy girlfriend when I'm not dating any of them ... but that's what it feels like. I depend on them for all my friendship needs -- we cook together, play music together, read together, go climbing, go on walks, watch movies, have long personal conversations, make fun of each other ... but I care too much. I don't want to care. I don't want to need them so much, because they don't need me.

Something is broken there. Or in me. I feel it and I don't know what to do. But just in recent days, something in that closeness got twisted; maybe they know how much I care and are pulling away instinctively. Which is what I need to do.

Why can I not believe that I'm good enough? I can sit down and write out a list of the ways God has blessed me, and there are lots of things I'm prideful of. How can I be prideful and achingly insecure at the same time? It's like ... I have things I like about myself, but not in comparison to other people. My gifts are not worth as much as the gifts of my friends here, or else they're not the kind of gifts that I think my friends here value. Which is probably projecting and not fair to them.

I just ... it's exhausting. I want to be free of that. I want to stop caring and stop hurting myself and stop overanalyzing any kind word someone says to me. I don't enjoy being around those people, and I don't want to be like that myself.

But I don't know where it comes from, and I don't know how to stop it.

Love always,

Sunday, July 29, 2012

house heaven

I don't think our house could be any better.

Seriously. I have loved every minute there. I mean, the cat meows constantly and leaves hair everywhere, and there are more spiders/spiderwebs than I'm comfortable with, and one of my roommates alternates between country and metal, which happen to be the two genres of music for which I have zero appreciation.

But those are just trifles -- minor annoyances, little forgettable and forgiveable things. They pale in comparison with the big awesome things.

Things like:

--Our vegetable and herb gardens and raspberry patch, which allowed us to say (until it got so hot that a lot of stuff is done for the season), "Oh, we need a salad for dinner? Let me just head outside and grab lettuce and spinach and raspberries and basil and VOILA magic deliciousness."

--Our front stoop, on which we have beautiful summer-night talks as we watch people walk by from behind the relative privacy of our hedge.

--Our patio, where we grill out ALL THE TIME and have people over and tend to our garden.

--My window box, which (well it's a little dead now, because I missed watering for one day a week ago) makes waking up a joy as the sun streams in and lights up the flowers.

--BOYS WHO CLEAN and enjoy cleaning. I don't think I've swooned harder than when Andrew (who does many swoon-worthy things, it turns out) said, "Yeah, I think I'm gonna organize the fridge this weekend, that's gonna be my project." And he and Remy both talk about how much they love coming home to a clean and orderly home. Everyone does their dishes, and when we cook all together, we clean all together and it gets done so quickly! And they sweep and wipe down the counters and ahhh so nice. They might actually clean more than I do (lolwut?)

--Boys who do yardwork, which I have no inclination to do ... so I'm very thankful that Drew seems to enjoy mowing the lawn at the hottest part of the day. And he does it all pretty with nice straight lines. And then weed-whacks.

--Late-night talks in our kitchen. The kitchen is really the heart of our house, as it should be, and I'm so thankful that it's big and open and lends itself to such warm community. We can perch on the counters and just talk for hours.

--Boys who appreciate my cooking! Not that it's anything fancy -- yet -- but it's so gratifying to throw together the veggies or stir-fry or whatever we're eating and have them make happy faces when they take a bite.

--Late-night Sons of Anarchy in the basement ... yesss. Got them hooked on it and I am so happy. It's  hilarious because Remy (raised a missionary kid and probably the purest-hearted lad I know) will look at the floor during inappropriate scenes, while Andrew laughs uproariously and repeats all the inappropriate lines.

--THE PIANO oh man can't believe it's this far down on the list. I love having a piano. I play and sing all the time. And the boys like it (or tell me they do, at least; hopefully they'd tell me to be quiet if they wanted me to stop).

--Impromptu worship sessions in the living room, that are super chill and comfortable and informal ... just three kids and a guitar, yo.

--Our herb garden, again. Do you KNOW how much I love rosemary? A lot. A lot a lot.

--The little white board in the hallway, where Andrew writes encouraging notes to us. Aw.

--The attitude of encouragement and support in the house, in general. We can't seem to tell each other enough how much we appreciate different things about each other's personalities. It would seem fake if I were an outsider looking in ... but these are two of the most genuine, agenda-less people I've ever met, and I know they always mean what they say.

--Our proximity to the park, so we can walk there and hear Thursday night Music in the Park, or play ultimate Frisbee or just wander around.

--Going on walks through the neighborhood and feeling like a part of the community -- saying "Evening" to neighbors and admiring all the beautiful houses and going to the little tiny park and taking turns on the single swing ... I will never be too old to swing.

--The fact that our house has felt like home since before we even moved in. I don't even miss my pool. I just love the house, and can't get over the fact that we're lucky enough to live there.

It's just above and beyond what I've ever experienced before or could ever anticipate it would be. We have such great, random conversations, and are able to talk about basically everything. I sometimes have a twinge of concern that it's not like, appropriate for me to be a part of such frank talks, as a girl, but I think I'm basically a bro in their minds. And it's so great. I feel truly comfortable with them, and know that we can tackle any subject.

And it really does feel like family, because I can get annoyed or impatient with one of them but shrug it off a moment later, and they don't get offended, and we all just settle back into our rhythm. I didn't realize before how cranky I can be in the morning ... anyone who's reading this post is probably laughing their face off at that statement, because everyone ELSE knows exactly how cranky I am. But these guys love me in spite of it, and are patient with me, and know that I love them despite my tendency to grumble when it's early and I haven't gotten enough sleep.

It was really cool -- they both mentioned several times recently that they've "learned so much" from me, which I cannot fathom; learned how to be mean? I dunno. But Andrew told me this week that it's encouraging for them to see me start to get mad or impatient or reactive, but then try to rein it in, and not give myself over to those feelings. He said they pick up on it, and appreciate that I'm working to be a better roommate and a better friend. Weird ... but cool.

I'm learning a lot from them, to be sure. Mostly about the kind of person I want to be -- I want to be genuine, and open, and kind, and unassuming, and to call out all the places I see God working in others. I want to love my friends as well as they love me, and make others feel as welcome as they make me feel.

And there are just the cute moments that I was hoping for, secretly, in living with boys; when they ask my opinion, "as a chick," what they should do with their facial hair or how an outfit looks, or when they muse about what pet names are acceptable when you're in a relationship. I enjoy getting insights into the male brain.

Anyway. It's just going swimmingly, and I am excited to go home at the end of every day, knowing that one of them is probably there and can talk or hang out, and if they're not, that I can sit down at my piano and play to my heart's content until they return.

Love always,

Thursday, June 28, 2012

family value

What hurts most about Mark's recent actions is how he treats his family.

We've been his family for 20 years. I grew up fighting with him, snuggling with him on the couch, shouting over chores not completed and laughing about the jokes that went over our parents heads. My parents were the ones who raised him, helped him with homework, yelled at him when he was being a jerk, told him they loved him every night, gave him all the stupid toys and video games he wanted, and tried to teach him to be a good person.

This girl, this manipulative stripper whore bitch, is not his family. Neither is her baby, whom she allegedly cares so much about but whom she easily left in Washington to move to California with Mark on a whim.

And neither is Mark's biological mother.

I am so frustrated and hurt and on the verge of tears when I see how they interact on Facebook. When Mark was in Afghanistan, he and I talked about him visiting Yakima. He was going to come up for a whole weekend, and he was excited about it. He wanted to go to salsa lessons with me and he wanted to go camping and climbing with my friends; we were going to have brother-sister time, just the two of us.

When it came down to it, though, he was too busy driving off to Boise to see the stripperwhore dance for him (which is just SO GROSS I can't even begin to articulate). He thought he would come up here the day he left for California, but refused to leave her behind so he and I could have time together.

But when he drove across the state just to see his half-sister's high school graduation, it was a different story. His birthmom asked if the stripperbitch was coming with him, and he said, "No, she'll do her own thing so we can have family time." And then the stripperbitch told her thank you for being so welcoming.

You know why she's welcoming, you disgusting twat? Because she has no stake in Mark's future. It does not matter to her if he ends up saddled to your diseased stripper ass for the rest of his life, paying for your delinquencies as you screw every member of his platoon while he takes care of your bastard baby.

I'm adopted too, but I have always had it clear that my parents are the ones who raised me, not the ones who had sex and accidentally conceived me. Don't get me wrong; I'm very grateful that I know my birthdad, and my half-siblings; we have a good relationship and my life is richer for that.

But I wouldn't for one second dream of putting them over my parents, or my brother. Especially not after coming back from a deployment in Afghanistan. We spent seven months not knowing if we'd ever see Mark again. Every time I read about a roadside bomb or a deadly explosion, my heart stopped. I cried in my newsroom over and over, had to hide in the back hallway until I got myself under control, until I could calm the overwhelming fear that he would be killed and I would never get to say goodbye. Or that he would come home with a traumatic brain injury, and be there, but be dead inside.

Did the stripperbitch have nightmares like that? Did his half-sister lie awake, night after night, praying that it wouldn't be his foot that triggered an IED? Did his birthmom hope every day that he would call, so she would know he was OK, at least for the time being?

Maybe they did. Maybe I'm not being fair. Maybe they missed him and worried about him and prayed for him, too.

But they are not his family, and their fear for him can never be the same. He didn't know his birthmom & half sister until high school; he didn't know this stupid whore until later.

Why are we so unimportant to him? Why doesn't he understand that your family should be a priority? Why doesn't he see that this girl is going to ruin his life? I don't say things like that lightly -- Mark has been making stupid decisions all his life, and I've given up the delusion that he'll ever learn common sense, but I have never felt such dread about a situation before. He wants to marry this bitch. I want to pay her to never see him again, and you know what? She'd take it. She is with him because it's convenient right now, not because she reciprocates his inexplicable loyalty.

I'm just so hurt and angry and sad and helpless. He's not listening to our family, and he's not even listening to his best friends, who tell him over and over again that he's making a mistake. What do I do if he marries her? I won't see her -- I can be stubborn, too -- but does that mean giving up my brother? I don't want to do that, either.

And there's really nothing worse than hearing your mom sob over the phone, so upset she can't even get words out. How can he do that? How can he not care that he's causing so much hurt to the people he's supposed to love the most?

Hit men aren't that expensive, really.

Love always,

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

the big move

I should be going to sleep, since I have to get up for yoga in 5.5 hours, but I'm procrastinating. Like always.

I brought my first load of stuff over to the house tonight. (One of my friends keeps chanting "Bro house!" whenever I talk about it, and that's what it's become in my mind. And that's what it'll be, a little, for the first two months when it's just me, Andrew & Remy ... hm hm hmm it will be interesting.) And I talked with our awesome landlords who have bent over backward to make it work for us and who are just as excited about us moving in as we are.

I just can't wait for us to be moved in and done with all this shit. I'm so tired of processing it, of tiptoeing around people's feelings, of making excuses and having discussions and being thoughtful and considerate. It feels like in ancient Greece, Athens I think, or one of those city-states -- their enemies would be coming down the road, and they'd be like, "Let us have a democratic discussion about what we should do. Socratic circle, anyone?" I am all for processing, and I don't jump into big things carelessly, but c'mon, enough is enough! There has been far too much talking, and caring, and thinking. I have gone out of my mind so many times it's a wonder I know how to get back into it.

So yes. I just want to be in the house. Then I can remember why I wanted to do this in the first place -- why I'm leaving my beautiful, CLEAN apartment with a pool (two pools!) and my own rules for a house with three boys (and another girl, but that won't be til the fall). Whyyyy am I doing that? Giving up my own control and my individual comfort and my quiet space?

Well, because we felt called to live in community. (Did I though, did I really? Did I maybe just get called to live in a bro house and have friends around no matter what, attractive friends at that, who make me feel like I'm part of the "cool kids" group? Yeah, that sounds more like the reason.) We wanted to have a family of people who hold each other accountable and support each other and help each other pursue the life God has in store for us.

But all this stupid discussing and deciding and stalling has taken all the joy out of it for me. Asking over and over again what God's will is has pushed God out of it entirely. That's messed up. I'm ready for that just to be over ... so we can live in the house, and focus on what we set out to do.

I'm so excited when I think about what it's actually going to be like. I mean, yes, there are going to be some big adjustments. I'm going to have to hit people and make them do their dishes and not talk about their junk in front of me. Boys are weird.

But we're going to have nights where we just play music and worship and spend time together, and we're going to have nights where we all just lie down on the floor or the grass outside and talk about nothing for hours on end. And I'm going to get up in the morning and pick fresh raspberries to put on top of my cereal, and we're going to have fires in the cookstove on the back patio at night, and we're going to work in our little vegetable garden and say hi to the neighbors and fall asleep with the windows wide open.

Katie was here this weekend, and it was amazing, and it made me even more excited for the coming year -- for roommates. We lived together for the better part of three years, and we know each other, I think, better than anyone else. Better even than family, in a lot of ways. It's so important to have that — to have friends who know you better than you know yourself, who have seen you struggle and grow and change and find yourself. That kind of history is powerful.

Anyway. Ramble ramble. Need to go to bed. Only three more nights in this apartment after tonight ... holy crap. that's the first time I realized that. This is the longest place I've lived, without moving out for a summer or an internship or anything ... an entire year, a year and about two weeks ... feels so long.

Love always,

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

some days, y'know

Seriously, why does EVERYONE IN THE WORLD have a boyfriend.

It's OK. I mean, really, it's OK. I am totally OK with it. Look how weird OK looks in correct AP style ... hm. But seriously. When I sit down and think about it, I mean actually think about it, I'm glad I don't have one. In my current state of being, I can only imagine it would be stressful and hard and just another way to bring out my secretly-crippling insecurities and lack of self-worth. And think of how much time I wouldn't get to spend just lounging in my apartment, by myself, reading or watching Buffy. That time is gold, my friend, and living by myself has taught me to cherish the solitude.

But still. SERIOUSLY. Some days, you know, it just feels like everyone is a couple. And they're bent on making sure you know it. Oh, sitting next to each other at dinner? Of course, we HAVE to clasp each other's hands, and share a cute little smooch every now and then, and put a hand on the other's knee, and laugh with that starry-eyed look that means we're just *sooo* in love. Aw.


And I mean, I know. I know that during the exceedingly rare moments in my life (11 pitiful months of my 23 years, to be exact) that I have had a boyfriend myself, I fell into all the same pitfalls. PDA, oh goodness yes. I'm sure many people were made to feel pukey by my very existence.

But sometimes when you're single, it just feels like the world is out to shove it in your face. Then rub it around a little, like cake; maybe smear it in your hair, pat you on the cheek with the frosting in a totally condescending way ... yeah. My singleness is the birthday cake that life has shoved in my face. That's how I feel.

And I don't take this as a serious negative often ... I have great friends, and a great life, and I love where I am right now. But when I have to be around really cutesy couples for extended periods of time, it just starts to wear on me. And then I wonder what exactly it is about my personality that has ensured that I will be FOREVER ALONE.

Perhaps the fact that I blog about my belief that I will be FOREVER ALONE. Yeah, that might be a turn-off.

It's hard, though, in the face of such glaring singleness, to not immediately look inward and wonder, What is wrong with me? Why do all these really gross people have boyfriends — why does the stupid stripper whore that bewitched my brother have a boyfriend — when I don't? What trait of mine makes me somehow less dateable than these aforementioned gross skanky people?? And how do I fix it or hide it or change it so that I become slightly more dateable?

Wrong attitude, I know. "Only God can truly fulfill you!" I know. Giant pity party. Whitegirlproblems. I know.

But still. Some days, I feel chronically unwanted. And it's just not a happy feeling.

Love always,