"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to give you hope and a future."
Why do I forget this so, so often?
I want to know the truth of that verse - it's been my favorite verse for my whole life, almost, and it's been proven again and again; things have worked out for the best on three different continents so far. But I'm still forgetful. Still doubting. Still afraid.
I submitted applications for two AP openings tonight. One in Olympia for 15 weeks, the other in Boise. I don't have any legislative experience, so it's probably a long shot anyway, but at the same time, I've built up a pretty damn good resume over the past three years. They could hire me.
And then what? Find someone to take my tiny closet of a room in Seattle and hope that I don't have to pay any extra rent; find a place to live in Olympia or Boise; find a car; figure out how to cover a legislative session for a wire and impress the people who could determine the course of my career.
Pack up and leave yet again.
I know that at the end of this summer, I said I was going to change my mindset. I even put it on my Facebook, so sure was I that I had figured something out: "I'm never leaving anywhere - I'm just always going places." That means there's no hub, no home; just a path, always moving forward. And it's all very well to be Zen and cool with everything in theory, but in practice, I'm just scared, sad and lonely at the prospect.
"So do not fear, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
Courage, dear heart.
2 months ago