the passive-agressive friend dump

A question for pondering:

Am I obligated to remain friends with people that I don't want to be friends with?

The flip side to this problem is that I know there are people who probably want to fall gracefully out of contact with me, and I keep texting or Facebooking them and trying to stay in touch, saying things like, "Hey, haven't talked to you in FOREVER, let's hang out!" In my mind (since I'm *awesome*) these comments seem perfectly harmless, not at all annoying, and really, people should respond to me.

But then....I hate Facebook. And email. Internet in general. Talking to my mom, I don't think she's still in touch with anyone from high school - not a single person. Sometimes that freaks me out; I don't ever want to lose touch with my best friends. But lately I envy her. Facebook has robbed me of this ability to gradually just lose contact with someone. I can't lose contact - I see right there on the news feed everything that is going on in your life, and you can very easily write to me and know that I'll get it, since clearly, I haven't changed my last name or forgotten to forward you my new address.

But seeeeriously. There needs to be a polite way to just...break off a friendship. Am I being really mean in this? I honestly don't know - am I required to stay friends with someone until I DIE, even if I get nothing positive out of the relationship? You would never say that about a dating relationship. Why are friendships allowed to go on and on, even when they're just dragging along painfully?

There needs to be a friend equivalent of the "He's Just Not That Into You" book. If I were the writer, here's what I'd say:

"Dear whoever,

In Facebook-stalking this seemingly inattentive friend of yours, have you seen any other recent activity? Yes? Oh, you mean, they've written to other people, added new photos, changed their "About Me," and gained 200 new friends, but haven't replied to your wall posts for a year?

Take a hint. They're not trying to be malicious, but the time has come for you to acknowledge that the flame of your friendship will never be rekindled. Move on and comment on someone else's status."

I'm so going to hell. Right by the unreachably high cupcake table.

Love always,
molly