My paper's still not done. Yes, I've had all quarter to work on it; yes, my screwup is screwing up my group mates, but I cannot focus.
This is where I am right now: No one wants me to go, except my friend who's still over there and hasn't been around to see my breakdowns. No one - my parents are against it, so are the friends I cry to over and over again - they know me as well as I know myself, probably better, and they see that all I'm doing is hurting myself. I talk to them, and I talk to God, and I think, No, I can't go; I can't do that to myself; I need to just give it up, walk away, and trust that he will do something to make it better. The stronger decision would be to stay home, Michael said; how often do we really get the chance to walk by faith? To step out and say, Okay, God, I have no idea what I'm doing; I'm scared and hurt and vulnerable and broken, and I need you to step in and fill the empty places inside me.
But then something shifts in me, and I remember why I loved Cadiz so much; I remember how fun it was to live there, to go out at night and lay on the beach during the day and speak Spanish all the time and just run around feeling young in a good way. And I try to convince myself that I can go without seeing the Spaniard and still enjoy myself, just focus my trip on having fun with my friends and enjoying Spain. I mean, I liked it before I met him; can't I still like it now?
I'm honestly changing my mind every half hour at this point. I'm supposed to fly out next Monday. If I don't go, that means giving up the trip I've been looking forward to, obsessively, for two months. It means never getting the closure I want, the closure I need to move on from the whole stupid story. I can't not go, it seems; no matter how heartbreaking it will be to be there, it'll be worse to be home, knowing every minute exactly what I gave up.
I know what I should do, and I know almost for sure what I'm going to do, and neither one sounds at all pleasant.
Pray?
Love always,
molly
Spring Leap // at a distance
4 years ago
2 comments:
girl, my heart is breaking for you. for the record, going over this decision as thoroughly as you have is exactly the right approach, and you are doing just fine despite how you may feel right now. to be fully honest, God will absolutely take care of you faithfully and beyond your wildest imagination if you go to Cadiz. And He will do exactly the same if you stay. closure does not HAVE to come from staring the Spaniard in the face, it comes from forgiveness of both him and yourself from the only one who can truly embody that. He loves you so uniquely and desperately, and He will not let you fall; no matter if you get on the plane or not. Ahhh I love you a lot a lot a lot.
You can go back to the same place over and over again and things won't be the same. It's the hard and necessary truth.
Praying for you friend. I can offer you a spring break in KC if it will help!
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